In a survey of married people my co-author and I conducted for our book, It’s Not You, It’s the Dishes, we posed the open-ended question, “What’s the hardest part about being married?” Sure enough, most of the answers related to cooperating, or, more specifically, to not wanting to cooperate: But in practice, when there’s baggage involved and a history together and scars from past relationships, getting to that point takes effort. Ideally, the answer is always cooperate, budge, and say OK. To cooperate or not to cooperate? To budge or stand your ground? To say “OK, fine” or “not a chance”? These are questions married people find themselves asking with surprising frequency. –They both require more than one person.–They both involve people who are trying to further their own gains but are limited by the presence of another person.–They both offer the possibility of a “cooperative strategy,” in which two parties work together to come up with a reasonable solution, and a “noncooperative strategy,” where it’s every man for himself.–In both, the noncooperative option is often the most tempting, but could result in death, whereas the cooperative option is annoying, but rarely fatal. So why not learn to play the game like a pro? Here are a few things game theory and marriage have in common: I’ll bet you play these games more than you admit, and sometimes, without even realizing you’re doing it. What I suspect is more likely is that you and he/she have a little Joel and Lisa in you, and that you’re not above engaging in brinksmanship, or scheming to finally triumph in an ongoing argument, or strategizing to get what you want. are playing a three-way game of chicken involving cyber warfare and potential nuclear annihilation.įorgive me if I don’t believe you. Same when you’re browsing the profiles on a dating site.Īt this very moment, Iran, Israel and the U.S. When you find yourself debating whether to wait for the bus another minute or give up and walk, you’re facing a game-theory dilemma. Classic examples: the Cuban missile crisis ( PDF), soccer penalty kicks, and the first scene of The Dark Knight. Game theory is the study of how we make decisions in strategic situations. But there’s another way to approach spousal negotiations and it’s called game theory. “You are terrible with money and are going to ruin us”). You will hear a lot of advice about compromising and using “I” sentences instead of “you” (as in, “I feel sad when I see that we have no money,” vs. After the toasts and conga lines, the All-Clad omelet pans and honeymoon sex begins the real work of living together until you die. In this, the season of weddings, it’s good to remember that it’s all downhill from here.
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